I will be taking the SanFran Crew bootcamp this coming weekend, and I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling about in my head as D-Day approaches.

I plan on writing in depth about my experiences at bootcamp, field reports, etc, but before that, I just wanted to write a “PRE-review” about the bootcamp, what I’m feeling and thinking as the bootcamp approaches.

This is kind of a raw “mind dump,” it’s meant to be very honest and expressive my inner feelings, so I hope no one (especially the bootcamp instructors) will take offense at its tone or content.

I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I have many inner game issues, as well as a lack of sarging skills all around, partly because of my inexperience, partly because I am not a naturally social person (think what 10 years of working in front of a computer with no coworker interaction will do for one’s social life).

Right now I feel a bit nervous as the weekend comes because I know I will probably be thrown into the fire and told to approach set after set for the 3 days of bootcamp. I can feel my approach anxiety constricting my chest already.

But more than that, I feel apprehension about a couple of things.

In a way, I’m similar to Kozmo from VH1’s The Pickup Artist, because he mentioned that he doesn’t believe something until he actually sees it. He said he came onto the show thinking that Mystery and his teachings were a big question mark, and potentially a pile of crap, and that he wouldn’t put his faith and beliefs in something until he actually SAW it working.

I know BlueIce and CWOrange clean house in the Bay Area, and have a stable of hot women there, but I have to admit that I harbor some doubts about how their skills and knowledge will transfer over to Smalltown. How will they deal with the culture difference… how will they be able to tailor a game for me, a West Coast transplant returning to his roots in Smalltown…

After sarging at RoundTripper Saturday night, I realized that I have such a loooong way to go just to be doing “typical” level pickup stuff like building attraction or getting numbers of girls I want. Filosopho and I had a discussion about how BlueIce and CWOrange would have done at RoundTripper Saturday night, which was full of pretty girls but didn’t seem “cliquey” such as places like Bellevue or especially Scoville, where girls seem much friendlier. But Filosopho, having witnessed BlueIce and CWOrange in action in Bellevue, said their frames were so strong that he believed they would have done very well at RoundTripper.

However, I–not having seen them in action yet–still harbor some doubts. Not because I doubt they are expert PUAs, which I believe to be true, it’s just that I have not seen them in action in Smalltown with my OWN TWO EYES yet. Does that make sense? I believe something when I see it.

I wish they had been there Saturday night and approaching the HB9s and HB10s, getting them laughing, getting their numbers, bouncing them from the club. That would dissipate my doubts fully.

But the heavier apprehension I feel is about myself… what if I try my best during this bootcamp, but it’s not good enough? What if my issues are so deep-seeded, or my skills so poor, or I learn so slow, that when the smoke clears and I walk out of the bootcamp Sunday night, I’m simply only a TAD better than I was before the bootcamp?

I’m afraid of letting down myself, but also letting down my instructors, and also holding back my fellow bootcamp students who will be taking the class alongside me.

I mean, how much difference can 3 DAYS make for a guy who has been an mega-AFC for 32 YEARS? I think the biggest disappointment would be if I look back on the bootcamp, and realize that I’m one of the “hard cases” or the “hopeless ones,” who wasn’t meant to excel at the PUA game, and have to resort to playing nice-guy AFC again.

Yes, I know I sound like a whining baby, but remember it’s a raw mind dump of exactly what’s going through my head right now And I don’t want to give the impression that I won’t give it my all, which I will. I will embarrass myself and do everything my instructors tell me to do, no matter how hard it is or how hurtful to my ego.

I’m just wondering, is it enough? Will the bootcamp REALLY change my game? Will GORGEOUS girls really be attracted to ME? Will my life be changed forever?

The problem is I simple CAN’T IMAGINE finishing the bootcamp and now able to approach HB9s and HB10s and successfully get their number and have them become attracted to me. I haven’t had a kiss-close in my whole life… I simply cannot imagine it happening with a super HOT girl.

So I think I’m in a crisis of belief, about the bootcamp and it’s effectiveness, but more about myself and my ability to really learn this stuff.

Let’s see how things turn out.